ASP Badass Diary from Hell

So Los Angeles is burning down all around me, and I had to dig my car out from under and inch of ash this morning to drive to work. OOPS.

But it got me thinking “that” thought. You know the one I’m talking about, where you play out a crisis scenario in your head (for most of you it is probably the impending/anticipated zombie invasion), and try and decide what you’d bring and where you’d go.

So far the only thing I have on my list to bring is my glasses. Normally I wear contact lenses to take care of my intensely blurry bat-vision, (Gasp! A webcomicker with glasses, it can’t be true!) but I am certain I could not survive ten minutes in the wild without my glasses.

So help me out folks. When LA burns down and I have to flee, where should I go and what should I bring? What location is a nice refuge for a soot covered dude in thick glasses? What condiments should I bring to go with my crisis hot dogs? What would you do yourself?

Yes, we are fully aware of the implications of today’s strip. In this little lock-and-key universe, the fact that the locks are wearing their genitalia proudly on their chests like the Kryptonian “S” of Superman does not escape us. And indeed the men are essentially giant upright penises, bouncing around like Tigger from one adventure to the next.

But that’s not I’m here to talk about. Instead, I’d like to discuss the issue on everyone’s mind today. That’s right. Ghosts. I believe that my driveway is haunted. Hear me out before you callously dismiss me as being paranoid.

I first noticed that something was amiss when I heard intermittent rushing of wind from outside followed by the occasional thud against my window. The only logical conclusion was that these were ghosts staggering around, doomed to fulfill unfinished business. Or they were just bored and clumsy. Either way: Ghosts!

Exhibit 2: I was attempting to carry a fifty-pound package of seeds into the apartment (in an unrelated project to grow my own firewood in my backyard) when it spilled open, scattering a handfuls of seeds all over the porch. “I’ll clean it up in the morning,” I thought, not suspecting that ghouls would intervene (a foolish thought, I know). The next morning, I stumbled out to my front porch still tipsy from my breakfast Windex, and all of the seeds were gone! Unaware that ghosts liked eating tree fetuses so much, I slammed the door behind me as I cowered in fear and quietly hiccupped bubbles.

After three days of sitting by the door listening to the ghosts mill around and chirp to one another in their high-pitched ghost language, the sounds finally subsided and I ventured outside armed with a Dirt-Devil to capture any ghosts that might show themselves.

I investigated the area, and the evidence of ghosts was strikingly clear. There was bright white ectoplasm all over my car and the sidewalk. And it must have been cold because I found a few feathers that likely spilled out of one of the ghosts wearing a down jacket.

This message was a warning. If I suddenly disappear, get your (anti) ghost-gun. It might already be too late.

If you are a U.S. citizen and over 18, you should probably think about doing this.

Wikipedia holds an extensive knowledge base on dinosaurs. This easily-accessed information is occasionally useful for time travelers such as myself. Each article has a reference image for the sizes of these ancient reptiles. It turns out these pictures summed up my feelings and encounters with these wacky dead lizards:

We present the results of the AmazingSuperPowers Super Contest: Anniversary Edition!

Honorable Mentions (Prize: Print of “Tiny Knife Fights”):

Most Actually Shot By An Arrow
“Nice Catch” by Roxanne J., and Decker S.
Recreation of “Nice Catch”
Given these people’s willingness to be shot by an arrow to earn silver bullets, we can only assume that they are in immediate danger of werewolves. Best of luck!

Most Totally Late
“Love the Bomb: The Game” by “chubbthehippo”
Game Inspired by “Love the Bomb”
We received this entry days after the contest ended with evidence that he had originally sent it to the wrong e-mail address, securing his spot as “Latest Entry.” Plus the game distracts our hands from sin.

Play the “Love the Bomb” Game

Most Entries Submitted
Chris P.’s many  Submissions
111 Entries Based on Every Comic
We’re worried about this man finding out where we live.

Best Statistic in a Game
From “Grumpyfish Game” by Ciaren C.
Game Inspired by Various Comics
At the conclusion of this game, the sole statistic provided is “You hit (#) turds.” I guess that would be the most memorable aspect of every adventure.

Click to Play Grumpyfish Game

Most Hulk
“Oh Nuts” by Phil N.
Recreation of “Oh Nuts”
The Incredible Hulk would make a unfortunate prison guard, but a terrifying cellmate. Also featured hardware doin’ it.

The Winners:

Third Place (Prize: Blackmail against Wes and Tony):
“Hungerman: The Comic Book” by Isaac H.
Inspired by “Hungerman”
Not only was this obviously made with love, but it also made us really want a sandwich.

Second Place (Prize: Six Silver Bullets):
“Rebirth” by Will H. and Kate B.
Recreation of “I’m Flying!”
You’ll notice that Will H. is in our Links section, making him a friend of the site.  We were completely objective in choosing our winners, and we in fact received other entries from friends that did not place.  This one, however, was super sweet.

Click to Watch the Video

First Place (Three Shirts from our Store, and an Original Drawing):
“Portraits of Hitler” by Jeremy M.
Inspired by “We All Have Regrets”
We love everything about this, including the fact that a man took the time to lovingly Photoshop Hitler’s head on pregnant women with dramatic lighting, and then send the creation to complete strangers. Then the strangers reward him with shirts and drawings.

Take that, Hitler.

After much deliberation, the contest is over and the winners have been notified! Much appreciation for everyone’s participation in this contest. We’ve heard back from all of the winners and will be publishing their entries at the beginning of next week! Thanks again for all of the wonderful entries!

***

Listen up everyone! Tired of showing your appreciation for ASP by staring at the screen so long that our comics become burned into the back of your eyeballs? We’ve got good news for you! We are officially kick starting our Amazing Super Contest: Anniversary Edition. With it, we are giving you the opportunity to show off your talents and make us look like a steaming pile of fish eggs. In retrospect, that’s not exactly very good for us, but we’re too committed to turn back!

Here’s how to enter:

1. Pick your favorite AmazingSuperPowers comic strip.
2. Recreate it through any medium of your choice. It could be a video, short story, long story, song, poem, series of photographs, single-sentence summary, animation, cave painting, sculpture, or anything else you want. Hell, you could even redraw the damn thing.
3. Send us an e-mail at contest (at) amazingsuperpowers (dot) com. In the e-mail you can attach your entry or include a link to someplace where we can see/hear/taste/have-a-wank-to it.
4. Win! (Maybe.)

The deadline for entries is on October 12, 2008 at the end of the day.

Here are the prizes:

• First Place: All three shirts from our store and an original ASP drawing of your choice.
• Second Place: Six silver bullets.
• Third Place: Blackmail against Wes and Tony. You will receive a manila envelope full of secrets.

A few little details:

• Please include your name in the entry and use an e-mail address that you check often, otherwise we can’t tell you that you’ve won.
• We’ll be posting the winners and other favorites on the site. By entering you forfeit your right to be totally lame and sue us for what we do with your entry, or if you hurt yourself with our awesome prizes.
• If you have a question about the contest, ask it in the comments below. All entries, however, need to be e-mailed to us.
• Please don’t do anything illegal. Ever.
• As many entries per person as you want (but keep in mind we are judging on quality, not quantity), and go ahead and team up with other people if you want.
• Entries will be judged by Wes and Tony, and it will be totally subjective. Winners will be selected on the merits of how much we like it.
• Yes, this contest is for real. Get to work!

This is a reminder that our store in Topatoco is full of sexy designs!

Astro-Diver: BFFWhat if the two greatest archetypal explorers of all time were BEST friends? Well, they’d probably do this! They might also get milkshakes, lounge around in a park, go to the arcade, and have sleepovers where they would tell each other scary ghost stories.

Love the Bomb
It’s easy to stop worrying when you are soaring through the clouds on a mighty steed packed with equal parts magic and uranium. The tricky part is the landing. Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!

The Penny-Farthing
FACE IT! As part of the top-hat wearing intellectual elite, you find yourself the constant target of mockery and derision for your chosen mode of transport! Stick it to the Man with a shirt that says, “Hey world, I bite my thumb at thee.” Read the comic that inspired this shirt here!

Spongesaurus
Behold a tribute to the favorite pills of your childhood. No, not your mother’s Valium; instead, these little capsules, when combined with water, unleashed a terrible beast not seen since the Jurassic period. These dinosaurs are terrifying, stylish, and super-absorbent!

(A quick note: Selling these shirts are how we support the rising cost of site without cramming advertising all over it. Sporting one of these beauties is the ultimate way to give us a high-five)

One year ago, a little webcomic called AmazingSuperPowers was squeezed into this world, screaming and wailing, an unholy monster conceived by the violent skull-collisions of Tony and Wes. In order to celebrate this one-year anniversary, we’ve crafted a few decorations for your computer so you can infect your screen with our slimy charm. You’ll find a precious little bundle of desktop wallpapers at the bottom of this post.

Meanwhile, we are currently working on a few new shirts, and until then be sure to check out the shirts currently on sale in our store. It’s that kind of support that keeps this site rolling and the good times flowing. It also keeps everyone from seeing your oddly-shaped nipples.

Be sure to check back here on Monday. To commemorate this anniversary even more, we’ll be kick-starting our AmazingSuperContest #2, which will be wicked and awesome and wicked awesome.

The wallpapers!

In order to generate a little more revenue around here, well be implementing minor product placement. Don’t worry, these will hardly be noticeable. To guarantee that we rake in as much cash from this endeavor as possible, we will be retroactively making these changes to our archive of comics. We are still waiting to be approached by advertisers, but here’s a sample of the appealing and tasteful venues for your company’s products!

Today’s comic makes me smile. After all, isn’t that what amusement parks are supposed to do? I wouldn’t be suprised if RazzleWorld or whatever the Hell we decide to call the park shows up again, considering the seemingly endless supply of people, robots, and blatant commercialism that loves to lurk around theme parks. Because of all the fun to be had, we had a few extra alt-texts lying around:

“ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE MAKE BELIEVE”

Sad employees grow on trees.

Good thing that she got the head back on before her son realized A) that Razzlebear isn’t real, and B) that his father was a theme park employee.

There is still a skeleton with a red hat and a fake white beard in their chimney.

“Razzlebear can fly just like daddy!”

“MY MAGIC KINGDOM AWAITS ME IN THE AFTERLIFE”

The boy finds this strangely reminiscent of that “Daddy-Pinata” mom gave him on his birthday.

Two Weeks Later: “Wow! Razzlebear and those birds are best friends!”

The third life claimed by the controversial Noose-Ride at Razzleworld

“Onward to the next adventure!”