ASP Badass Diary from Hell

8. Rhino Horn

Because at least you still have company despite the stabbing.

7. My Own Sword

This is a toss-up, because it could be a result of great chivalry or great clumsiness.

6. Huge Icicle

If the forensics team doesn’t get there in time they would just have to list the cause of death as the mysterious “hole-itis”

5. A Live Eel

There’s nothing quite like getting impaled by a wriggling sentient phallus.

4. Pointy Stick While Skiing

It was seeing this that spawned the list. The worst part would be watching everyone passing by, still having a good time, with no kabob through their abdomen.

3. Two Narwhals

Unicorns turned into real jerks when they got chased into the ocean. Plus there are TWO of them.

2. Carrot in the Eye

COMPLETE OPPOSITE USUAL PURPOSE

1. The Iwo Jima Memorial

Because it's unsettling to imagine five dudes that hate you enough to team up to stab you.

I’m here to tell you about the best movie you have never seen. The Italian title is “Dellamorte Dellamore” and the stupid title is “Cemetery Man.” It is an existential zombie movie that features the archetypal bad-ass Rupert Everett complacently rampaging through the walking dead.

“ ‘Archetypal bad-ass’ Rupert Everett?” You might ask. Yeah, that’s right. Rupert. Freaking. Everett. And he blasts some zombies. He asks himself some transcendental questions regarding the duality of love and death. And between all that he manages to spend some quality time in Anna Falchi.

Sure, it’s a B-horror movie. But if you take the time you’ll notice it’s also a devilishly well-written movie with some pretty damn arousing cinematography. It’s been my favorite movie for quite some time (I’m pretty sure it’s what put me through puberty).

There’s not much else to say, other than to see it. It’s best taken with beer and pretzels, I might add, but pay close attention because if you miss my favorite lines I’ll sense it and my heart will break from miles away.

If you end up watching it and not liking it, I don’t want to hear about it. Leave me alone.

Why aren't you watching this right now?

Everyone on Facebook is doing 25 random things about themselves. Consider this bandwagon jumped on:

RULES (according to the chain post): Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, felonies, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, fuck you.

1. All of my money is safely invested in lottery tickets.
2. I have never been able to correctly spell pkyvqgccceknzv.
3. Millions of years ago I killed the dinosaurs.
4. My beard exists solely to cover an embarrassing tattoo of a beard.
5. Every time I go to the zoo, I steal a penguin. I’m building an army.
6. I once went on an adventure in a dark magic school bus. We went to the fifth circle of hell.
7. I invented the shark. Sorry.
8. I’ve been to the moon and it’s covered with cocaine. No, wait, I have that backwards.
9. I can pull coins out of people’s ears but it’s a very lengthy and costly operation.
10. Due to reverse evolution, I am now the proud owner of a third hand. Also, gills.
11. Unrelated, I stole someone’s hand once.
12-23. (Unique genital variations)
24. I spent three years as a drummer for U2.
25. Hell is a place on Earth and we all live there.

We’re going to be there. So should you. (Click for details)