ASP Badass Diary from Hell

Yes, we are fully aware of the implications of today’s strip. In this little lock-and-key universe, the fact that the locks are wearing their genitalia proudly on their chests like the Kryptonian “S” of Superman does not escape us. And indeed the men are essentially giant upright penises, bouncing around like Tigger from one adventure to the next.

But that’s not I’m here to talk about. Instead, I’d like to discuss the issue on everyone’s mind today. That’s right. Ghosts. I believe that my driveway is haunted. Hear me out before you callously dismiss me as being paranoid.

I first noticed that something was amiss when I heard intermittent rushing of wind from outside followed by the occasional thud against my window. The only logical conclusion was that these were ghosts staggering around, doomed to fulfill unfinished business. Or they were just bored and clumsy. Either way: Ghosts!

Exhibit 2: I was attempting to carry a fifty-pound package of seeds into the apartment (in an unrelated project to grow my own firewood in my backyard) when it spilled open, scattering a handfuls of seeds all over the porch. “I’ll clean it up in the morning,” I thought, not suspecting that ghouls would intervene (a foolish thought, I know). The next morning, I stumbled out to my front porch still tipsy from my breakfast Windex, and all of the seeds were gone! Unaware that ghosts liked eating tree fetuses so much, I slammed the door behind me as I cowered in fear and quietly hiccupped bubbles.

After three days of sitting by the door listening to the ghosts mill around and chirp to one another in their high-pitched ghost language, the sounds finally subsided and I ventured outside armed with a Dirt-Devil to capture any ghosts that might show themselves.

I investigated the area, and the evidence of ghosts was strikingly clear. There was bright white ectoplasm all over my car and the sidewalk. And it must have been cold because I found a few feathers that likely spilled out of one of the ghosts wearing a down jacket.

This message was a warning. If I suddenly disappear, get your (anti) ghost-gun. It might already be too late.

We present the results of the AmazingSuperPowers Super Contest: Anniversary Edition!

Honorable Mentions (Prize: Print of “Tiny Knife Fights”):

Most Actually Shot By An Arrow
“Nice Catch” by Roxanne J., and Decker S.
Recreation of “Nice Catch”
Given these people’s willingness to be shot by an arrow to earn silver bullets, we can only assume that they are in immediate danger of werewolves. Best of luck!

Most Totally Late
“Love the Bomb: The Game” by “chubbthehippo”
Game Inspired by “Love the Bomb”
We received this entry days after the contest ended with evidence that he had originally sent it to the wrong e-mail address, securing his spot as “Latest Entry.” Plus the game distracts our hands from sin.

Play the “Love the Bomb” Game

Most Entries Submitted
Chris P.’s many  Submissions
111 Entries Based on Every Comic
We’re worried about this man finding out where we live.

Best Statistic in a Game
From “Grumpyfish Game” by Ciaren C.
Game Inspired by Various Comics
At the conclusion of this game, the sole statistic provided is “You hit (#) turds.” I guess that would be the most memorable aspect of every adventure.

Click to Play Grumpyfish Game

Most Hulk
“Oh Nuts” by Phil N.
Recreation of “Oh Nuts”
The Incredible Hulk would make a unfortunate prison guard, but a terrifying cellmate. Also featured hardware doin’ it.

The Winners:

Third Place (Prize: Blackmail against Wes and Tony):
“Hungerman: The Comic Book” by Isaac H.
Inspired by “Hungerman”
Not only was this obviously made with love, but it also made us really want a sandwich.

Second Place (Prize: Six Silver Bullets):
“Rebirth” by Will H. and Kate B.
Recreation of “I’m Flying!”
You’ll notice that Will H. is in our Links section, making him a friend of the site.  We were completely objective in choosing our winners, and we in fact received other entries from friends that did not place.  This one, however, was super sweet.

Click to Watch the Video

First Place (Three Shirts from our Store, and an Original Drawing):
“Portraits of Hitler” by Jeremy M.
Inspired by “We All Have Regrets”
We love everything about this, including the fact that a man took the time to lovingly Photoshop Hitler’s head on pregnant women with dramatic lighting, and then send the creation to complete strangers. Then the strangers reward him with shirts and drawings.

Take that, Hitler.

Today’s comic makes me smile. After all, isn’t that what amusement parks are supposed to do? I wouldn’t be suprised if RazzleWorld or whatever the Hell we decide to call the park shows up again, considering the seemingly endless supply of people, robots, and blatant commercialism that loves to lurk around theme parks. Because of all the fun to be had, we had a few extra alt-texts lying around:

“ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE MAKE BELIEVE”

Sad employees grow on trees.

Good thing that she got the head back on before her son realized A) that Razzlebear isn’t real, and B) that his father was a theme park employee.

There is still a skeleton with a red hat and a fake white beard in their chimney.

“Razzlebear can fly just like daddy!”

“MY MAGIC KINGDOM AWAITS ME IN THE AFTERLIFE”

The boy finds this strangely reminiscent of that “Daddy-Pinata” mom gave him on his birthday.

Two Weeks Later: “Wow! Razzlebear and those birds are best friends!”

The third life claimed by the controversial Noose-Ride at Razzleworld

“Onward to the next adventure!”

Today’s comic is called “Last Request,” and it is about bad things happening to people.

Also, here is a drawing of a pair of cats. I believe it comes from England.

Some of you may have noticed or were outraged by the fact that the Live Nudes comic had been trimmed from four panels to three panels. If you missed the boat and never saw the fourth panel, it’s been changed to a link located on the door in the last frame.

So why the change? Simple: We hate you and will do everything in our power to make your life worse. Remember your sandwich that disappeared from the fridge? We ate it. You know that girl who never called you back? We ate that, too. Remember that speeding ticket you got? Well, we had nothing to do with that directly but we support our local police.

In all honesty, we probably don’t hate you. In fact, we’d probably swerve if you were standing in the middle of the street, gazing at us with those large, glistening eyes of yours. The truth is that we received more than a few confused comments and e-mails from individuals who did not understand the strip. In most cases, people were held back from enjoying the strip because they weren’t certain if they understood it.

The fourth panel was included in the first place because of our delight in imagining the demand to check out some live nudes. In fact, not only is the place full, but there is a queue of people outside. We also appreciated the ambiguity of these people being either necrophiliacs or simply curious. Or CSI fans. Or bored. Whatever the reason, you yourself would probably be waiting in that line for the same reason traffic slows down next to a train wreck.

The problem was that people thought there was a huge criminal conspiracy they were missing, were wondering why the guy was being arrested, missed the sign, or something else entirely. The comic was ultimately changed because we decided that it toed the line from “subtle” to “vague.” With three panels, the joke lies in the resiliency of the owner of the strip club in question. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Except in this case, when life gives you dead strippers, the show must go on.