ASP Badass Diary from Hell

• Due to global slowing, October will come one month after November.

• Crime will start paying, but with high health insurance premiums.

• The dead will rise when a cemetery explodes. Then they’ll fall.

• Bears will become illegal.

• The spell will be broken and Julia Roberts will turn back into a pumpkin.

• Free ice cream for everyone! … Just kidding. Plague.

• Everyone gets fatter.

• Walt Disney will be thawed when they discover a cure for casual racism.

• All forms of currency will be replaced with bullets and pogs.

• The usual shitstorm.

Right now I’m living in Portland and we are getting a copious amount of snow. It mostly chooses to attack at night, much like other unsavory things such as vampires, wolves, and fraternities.  Snow is falling from the sky and hiding our cars.  It is covering our roadways with ice and selling cocaine to our children, or at least getting them accustomed to frequently hearing the word “snow.”

There is the common myth that the Inuit people have dozens of words for snow. It is also true here, but 90% of them are swear words. The other 10% are racial slurs and unpopular dictators.

Anyway, in between the twelve inches of Hitler falling from the sky, we did a Christmas comic. Our apologies if you don’t celebrate Christmas. If you want to simulate the Christmas Experience® to determine whether or not it’s for you, nail your sock to a wall then sprinkle tinfoil all over the dead tree that you dragged into your living room. Happy Holidays!

Meanwhile, I’ll be here, battling through this cold white oppression. If you are from a place like New York or Moscow and this is common for you, at least your infrastructure is prepared for this. The only human contact I have right now are the two snowmen I built near my backdoor. They are terrible conversationalists. Also, they are bigots.

There are fires, blackouts, economic collapses, and everything was once better than it is now, but tacos are forever.

Y/N ?

So Los Angeles is burning down all around me, and I had to dig my car out from under and inch of ash this morning to drive to work. OOPS.

But it got me thinking “that” thought. You know the one I’m talking about, where you play out a crisis scenario in your head (for most of you it is probably the impending/anticipated zombie invasion), and try and decide what you’d bring and where you’d go.

So far the only thing I have on my list to bring is my glasses. Normally I wear contact lenses to take care of my intensely blurry bat-vision, (Gasp! A webcomicker with glasses, it can’t be true!) but I am certain I could not survive ten minutes in the wild without my glasses.

So help me out folks. When LA burns down and I have to flee, where should I go and what should I bring? What location is a nice refuge for a soot covered dude in thick glasses? What condiments should I bring to go with my crisis hot dogs? What would you do yourself?

If you are a U.S. citizen and over 18, you should probably think about doing this.