Feeding Birds

by Wes & Tony on November 18, 2013 at 5:00 am

Feeding the ducks at the local pond taught me everything I needed to know about class-based society. Up front, the ducks were the backbone of the community. After all, we were there to “feed the ducks” not “feed the assortment of various terrifying gigantic water birds.” And that brings us to the geese, which were the real shitheads. Have you ever meet a nice goose? No, you have never met a nice goose. They have long weird necks and tiny dinosaur brains, but most of all they can HISS at you. Geese are literal monsters.

But get this: Occasionally if you’re lucky, you’ll see a SWAN. It’s like seeing royalty. But c’mon, swans are just dressed-up geese! Sure they look a little nicer but they are the same long-necked hissing idiots underneath. And don’t get me started on Canada geese, who always get a pass just because they are from out of town.

Finally there’s the lowest of the low, and those were the nutrias. In case you’re lucky and have never met one, they are giant water rats that hang around ponds and whose mouths always look bloody for some reason. They clearly want to be ducks, but class mobility for a nutria is an impossibility. An ugly nutria has never grown up to be a beautiful swan, and that’s all you ever need to know about the world.

wes