Don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL ABOUT eating different types of animals together. I’m just revolted by the idea of having to cram multiple animals into each other. There are three types of cramming, and none of them are good: cramming for a test, cramming drugs into your nasty places to smuggle them across the border, and cramming multiple animals into each other and feeling their sad fluids gush out over your awful hands. No thanks times three!
I have a simple rule: imagine what your animal combination would look like if it were alive, and if manifests in your mind’s eye as an abomination that would sputter and gurgle “killll meeee,” then don’t eat it. I like my animal combos to be CUTE, little scenes of my imagined-to-be-living animal friends having a good time. Dioramas of flesh, fantasy, and FUN. If that sounds good to you, then here are some examples to get you started:
Spooning
What’s cuter than a big animal snuggling a little animal? Easy! A little animal snuggling a big animal! The common application of Spooning is a bacon-cheeseburger. Imagine a cute little hog wrapping his little hoofers around a big old cow to keep her warm through the night, occasionally prodding her with his pig equipment until she complains for him to “quit it.”
Bumping Rumps
Like dancing! The kind your mom did when you were a kid, where she snaps with both hands and slams her hips into you and you don’t want to participate and it makes her very sad and your dad makes you apologize. But this time it’s cute! Because it’s two cut-off animal butts (or “hocks,” if you will) and you’ve arranged them on your plate to be touching. What a tasty dance!
The Team Cheer
Hands in, everybody! Literally! Throw a bunch of animal feet into a big pile, and get ready to shout “hip hip hooray” for your tastebuds. Just watch out for the bones. It’s mostly bones.
T
You have obviously never had great turducken. It is a truly awesome dish.
Mmmmm. Turducken.
AWESOME! Now we can cram a prophet into a demi-god and that demi-god into god. It will be tastiest religious experience ever!
If I could gouge my imaginary eyes out after reading the Spooning paragraph and imagining the “bacon-cheeseburger”, I would…
you act like this is a new thing. Multiple roasted fowl stuffed inside each other was one of many dishes that often graced the table of tudor royalty in the 1600s
🙁 You’re right, sorry, we’ll take the comic down.
So God’s been dead since the 1600s? No wonder the 20th century was so fucked.
Don’t forget about the turbriskafil.
Dear Dudes,
What is God standing on?
Sincerely,
Me
P.S. – It’s generally a good rule to never eat anything that contains the word “turd”.
Sincerely again,
Me
God is standing on a turtle.
A turtle.
Stuffed with a a smaller turtle. Who is in turn stuffed with a smaller turtle. It’s turtles all the way in.
A turtle.
It’s Gods all the way down.
It’s God. Can’t he fly and stuff . . . like Iron Man.
Nuclear Holocaust?! Please! Mankind’s downfall will most definitely come in the form of Turducken.
To be fair, you don’t stuff Turducken. You cut them open and then use butcher’s thread to sew the animals back together. It is sort of a Frankenstein procedure. You could have had Dr. Frankenstein making a Turducken. That would have been hilarious. Shame on you for not making something funnier.
Did you see the monstrosity Epic Meal Time did in this vein a few years back? A Quail inside a Cornish Hen inside a Chicken inside a Duck inside a Turkey inside a whole Pig.
When it’s done cooking is the pig charred and the quail still frozen?
I never eat anything with a name that starts with “turd”.
I feel like Turducken sounds more like some kind of a Street Fighter move.
“Hadouken! Kayouken! Turducken! Hut-tut-tut-tuuudit (that spinning foot move Ryu does)”
wow the hidden panel is too creepy 4me
ON A SHIRT.
NOW.
Love the Nietzsche quote hahahahaha!
There’s a reason mythological beasts are extinct – the whole carcase discarded save that deliciously exquisite sole middle slice of Gryffin, Centaur, or Hippalectryon (Mmmmm, is it lion or eagle)
…one day genetic engineering…